Fo re i g n W i ve s U n i t e d
THE MARRIED-TO-INDIANS CLUB
In this weekly series on unusual communities, Sabrina Buckwalter profiles a
quaint group started by foreign women who are married to Indian men
When Valerie Tripp, an American social worker, says goodbye to her
Indian husband at the railway station she claps him on the shoulder. This is
their secret code to signify that a hug and a kiss are intended. It’s one of
the small, personally meaningful gestures she has had to manufacture to
blend in with Indian culture. She’s part of a group of foreign women in
Mumbai who are married to Indian men or are in a serious relationship with
them. The women meet once a month. The husbands are invited too, but rarely
come.
Being in a serious relationship with an Indian has warranted the need
for such a group as it can be a very bumpy ride for expats who’ve been
raised in a different value system. Mandy Mani, one of the three main group
organisers, started the gathering over three years ago. When she married and
moved to India from England, she went four months without seeing another
fair face. Finally, at a Beatles cover band concert in Juhu she excitedly
approached two foreign women and sold the idea of a club of sorts.
The women keep in contact through their Yahoo group and get together at
a member’s house each month. At their last meeting, around a dozen women
chatted over snacks and tea. Somewhere amidst the chatter the newer members
know it’s the place where they can go to share their little triumphs of
winning over their Indian families, or the place where they have someone to
lean on when joint family living presents a challenge. At larger gatherings
like picnics or holiday gettogethers, the husbands make their guest
appearance with the kids. Such meetings, Mani says, are very important for
the children. They get to be with other kids who look like them and have
families like them.
The online group that restricts membership to only those who’ve been
personally vouched for by an existing member, posts tips, instructions and
helpful procedures for women confused by Indian bureaucracy. How to obtain a
PIO (Person of Indian Origin) card or a driver’s license is listed along
with other meaningful guidelines to life in India.
Public displays of affection are saved for oneon-one conversations
though. One of the biggest adjustments for foreigners is the subtraction of
mushy moments in public. A smooch hello, handholding and other entwining
moments of affection are all scaled down or even non-existent for these
couples. Tripp will grab her husband’s hand when walking, only for him to
stealthily slip it out of her grip within five paces. Anna Krishnan, from
New Zealand, and her husband
are a bolder sort. She kisses her husband goodbye in public, although she
bends down through the car window to shield their mouths from public view.
At home, Anna’s mother-in-law is understanding. She turns away or giggles
when she sees the two of them snuggle.
During meetings, listening to first-timer stories still excites the
seasoned hands, some of whom have been here since before Independence.
Mani’s
first time in India was a whirlwind trip for love. Telling her family she
was going to the British coastal town of Brighton for the weekend, she
secretly flew thousands of miles to India to check out her suitor, whom she
had known only through email and telephone.
Tripp first arrived in India, over four years ago, to work for an NGO.
To save herself from the hazards of living alone in Mumbai she moved into
her good friend Amol’s flat. In the beginning it was nothing more than a
convenient arrangement. They were not in love. It was just that good flats
were hard to find in the city. Sharing a place with an Indian, though,
didn’t
save her from the perils of life here. “I had to go to the bathroom in the
dark for a month before I found out where I could buy a light bulb,” Tripp
says laughing. But living with him did make life easier. It was through
their long, midnight conversations that she began to fall for him. “He would
ask me the sort of questions that would have the effect of holding a mirror
up to my life.” He had a blunt way about him that she found refreshing
against the backdrop of the passive, American men she had known.
Six months later, they knew they weren’t just flatmates anymore. It was
time to tell his parents. “They didn’t take it well at first,” she says. It
wasn’t until a motorcycle accident in which Tripp was injured and home for a
month that she began to see his family. “One day, ten of them showed up at
the door and brought bhaji fry and other homemade food. They made sure that
I was healing well while Amol was at work.” When talks of marriage surfaced
six months after that, his family felt better about their live-in
arrangement.
For Anna Krishnan, her path as a foreigner into the Indian family was
already paved, as her husband’s sister had married a foreigner three years
ago. When Anna met her future husband in Mumbai on a backpacker’s trip in
2005, she rescheduled her plans and never returned to New Zealand. “He was a
different kind of guy,” she says. Different from the men she had dated in
Wellington. “He was a businessman and knew how to take care of things,” she
says. His obsession with working hard and making something out of his life
was a virtue, she says, not many people had back home. Rahul helped her find
her own flat, in which she stayed until moving in with him before their
wedding. Finding a job turned out to be easy as she joined his business and
became a project manager. They married just two months ago and managed to
take the whole family on their honeymoon to the Andamans. “I don’t recommend
it though,” Anna says with a smile. “Taking everyone around on a vacation
that is meant for a couple got a little tiring.” The beautiful sunsets
though, only the couples apparently noticed. TNN
ADMISSIONS OPEN
This is a close-knit group of women who like to invite only those they have
personally met. To initiate a meeting mail marriedtoindians@gmail.com
INDIAN FAMILY The members meet once a month to talk about Indian
bureaucracy, joint families and other things that confuse them