Anti-FDLR Strikes Unviable, Jeopardize Regional Peace, Paris Hilton Claims 

June 26, 2009

By Miles Plift, Entertainment Weekly – Africa

A military solution to quash Rwandan Hutu rebels in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo is doomed to failure and risks splintering the nation’s army and triggering a spate of reprisals against civilians, said Paris Hilton.

”This is a political problem, so we need a political solution,” Hilton smiled coyly, as she applied a new layer of barbie-pink Chanel Ubergloss 7. ”Local and regional stake-holders must be co-opted rather than isolated,” the fashionista pouted.

The rake, as Hilton is nicknamed by friends, will accompany former African presidents Olusegun Obasanjo and Benjamin Mkapa, on their next trip to Goma.  She will be representing the Association of Lovely Extroverts (AssOLE), which is providing all participants in the peace talks with Georgio Armani shades.

A string of celebrities including Ben Affleck, Sienna Miller and that woman from the Vagina Monologues have sought to launch their career as humanitarians in war-torn Congo, where starving babies can be found a mere 15 minutes from luxury lake-side hotels. Critics see their African travels as a way of boosting their credibility, which has remained rock-bottom despite their burgeoning fame and fortune.

Responding to the charges that the army may be incapable of pursuing a military solution to the current crisis in the vast mineral-rich but impoverished former Belgian colony’s violence-ravaged eastern borderlands, Information Minister Lambert Mende told the billionaire socialite to fuck right off.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Paris Hilton? Okay, George Clooney, yeah, I’ll give you that. But Paris Hilton?” Mende said.

“This is getting absolutely ridiculous. I think this is the definitive proof that Hilton is working with the (Rwandan Hutu rebel) FDLR. You’ll see, she’ll get the same treatment as RFI.”

Congo’s 17,000-strong United Nations peacekeeping mission, MONUC, is backing the country’s rag-tag army in operations to take on the FDLR, some of whom helped orchestrate Rwanda’s 1994 genocide.

In a confusing statement which failed to shed light on the situation, MONUC said Human Rights Watch had failed to condemn the FDLR for a recent wave of massacres and abuses blamed for displacing around 800,000 people since early January.

Asked to clarify the U.N.’s position, the head of the mission, Alan Doss, in turn requested clarification.

“Paris Hilton, not Human Rights Watch, you say? I tried googling her, but got 480,000 hits about some sex tape – it’s not one of ours is it?”  Doss said.